Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Twelve Months, 60 Dollars and a GBA: September

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
by TDK

Here is exactly, word-for-word, how the meeting at TDK went about two months before this game was released:

Big Boss:  Great news folks!  We landed the rights to the new Disney movie based on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.  Test markets suggest that this movie will be big.  If that is true, then a Pirates game will sell huge!

Mid-Level Executive:  Uh, sir.  Two months isn't anywhere close to enough time to create a tie-in game for this movie.

Big Boss:  Hmm. Yes, that is true.  Even with developers working around the clock, we wouldn't make it.  The bad news is, I already have the boys down in marketing working on the ad campaign.  Do we have any development teams already working on a pirate-themed game?

Mid-Level Executive:  Well, those guys down at Pocket Studios were working on a Sid Meier clone.

Big Boss:  Perfect!  Get them on the phone!  How far along is their progress?

Mid-Level Executive:  I think they are almost to playtesting.

Big Boss: More perfect!  Call down there and tell them that we need to make a few minor cosmetic changes to the game.  See how fast they can get me a demo.

Mid-Level Executive: Uh, sir?

Big Boss:  You're right, screw the demo, just take whatever they've got and get it over to the manufacturer. I want this game on the shelves in two weeks.

Mid-Level Executive: Yes sir.

Move along, nothing to see here.

There is a moral to this story:  Do not buy Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl for the Game Boy Advance.  Even if you see it for $5, or even $2.95 like I did.
Basically it's like a kids' game that really sucks.  Slow, low on action, and riddled with boorish tasks that create the illusion of a story where there really is none, and a virtually non-existent relationship to the movie that it is supposedly based upon.

I'll waste no more of your time this month, or mine: the wife wants me to play Earthbound (I'm a virgin)