A Closer Look at Haunted House, Then and Now...

At first I was content to let the above cartoon speak for itself, which I think it does.  But then I realized that it was too easy and that you would probably want to know at least a little bit about how the new Haunted House stacks up against its nigh unto thirty year ancestor.  So, I’ll regale you briefly with tales of yore and then give you my opinion.

Haunted House (1981) was the single spookiest game ever.  Throughout the life of the Atari 2600 and well into the era of Nintendo, no game had the jarring ability to startle the beejezus out of me the way Haunted House did.  I mean, the screen was pitch black, and even when you lit a match you could only see what was close by.  Then, while you are diligently exploring the mansion, CRASH! out of nowhere a bat or spider would suddenly appear with a clap of thunder and flash of lightning.  Furthermore, they were on an unstoppable path toward you with only your destruction in mind.  And god forbid that instead of a spider or bat you got Old Man’s Grave’s horrible spirit.  To make matters worse, the appearance of a foe also meant that your light went out and you were totally isolated.  You damn well better hope you know where you are in the mansion because the last thing you want is to run face first into a locked door.  Tensions were always high when playing Haunted House.

Even though the graphics were blocky and simple, even though the house was only four stories high with a regimented floor plan, even though you could beat it in minutes, Haunted House managed to capture something ethereal that later games would approach, but never quite grasp.  The game has the ability to make you nervous while playing it.  It cultivates a real sense of dread every time you open a door or navigate a staircase.  A baddie could be anywhere and worse yet the Ghost could travel right through locked doors meaning that he could menace you literally any second of the game.  And every time that lightning crashed and the screen flashed, your heart jumped.  Where was the monster that set it off?  Were they close?  Where exactly are you and where is the closest exit?  Are you cornered?  RUN!

Sometimes simple is better.  And with those simple, blocky graphics and minimal sound effects, the people at Atari captured lightning in a bottle.  Later horror/thriller games like Resident Evil would capitalize upon the power of the startle effect, having the undead burst out at you through windows and the like, but for all of their graphic gore and realistic sounds, they still only rate second-best in my book.  Which is why I was very nervous when I read last month that Atari was planning on releasing an updated version of the classic that set the bar so high so long ago.

We’ve been down this road before.  Many classic games from the Atari era have seen modern iterations with very mixed results.  Asteroids, Centipede, Pac-man, Space Invaders, all of the greats have “grown-up” into contemporary versions of their perfect, simple selves.  Some of these updates have been fun, and some disastrous, but all in all they really don’t stand much of a chance against their original counterparts.  So a 2010 Haunted House had me very, very skeptical.  But, initial reviews were good and the screenshots and explanations all pointed to the opportunity for something really fun.  Hell, even the price tag, $19.99 was right.  So I gave it a go.


Much to my delight, the game is actually very good.  The fundamental premise is exactly the same as the original game: you must search the mansion and find the pieces of the urn.  The end result is different, you don’t have to flee the house with the urn, instead you have to defeat a ghoulish foe.  But the spirit, if you will excuse the obvious and painful pun, is still there.  Haunted House (2010) is literally a re-imagining of Haunted House (1981) with modern sensibilities.  The main differences are in the execution of the concept.  First, the game isn’t tough as nails like its ancestor could be.  The main element of difficulty that is missing is the darkness.  HH2010 is dark, but it isn’t pitch-black like HH1981.  You will need light sources to navigate the mansion successfully, but you can still see most everything in the house at all times.  The light sources only really increase your visibility and help you find items, levers and treasures.  True, the mansion gets darker as you progress, but it never goes completely dark like the original.  Also, unlike the original, when you get scared by a monster, your game isn’t over, you just start back at the last fireplace you lit.  This means you’ll never encounter the dreaded GAME OVER and have to embark upon your mission anew, but at the same time where the original was at best 10 minutes of game play in length, HH2010 is more like 3 hours.  I would be pretty pissed if I got 2:15 into the game and had to start over from scratch. (Sidebar: I wonder if that is a good thing or a bad thing…)

The game still features the classic monsters to avoid, plus several new ones like gargoyles.  It also features a variety of light sources for you to employ, some of which actually give you offensive capabilities you will need if you are to survive your stay.  A big difference between the newer version and the original is the addition of boss fights.  The house is divided into four sections and at the culmination of each section you will have to combat a different mega-monster.  These boss fights are perhaps the toughest part of the game as they require you to defeat the mega-monster while avoiding being scared to death.  It is an endurance run for sure.

What the game lacks in difficulty it more than makes up for in atmosphere.  Despite the update, the game maintains the creepy feel of its predecessor and even builds upon it some areas.  The main area of note is the sound.  During your time in the mansion you will be beset with a plethora of moans, wails, thumps, rattlings, baby’s cries, and other very, very creepy sounds.  None of these sounds ever manifest in anything material in the game, which only adds to their effect.  I am not kidding when I tell you that playing this game in the dark, late at night, will make you question any errant sounds that might occur in your own home.  That, my friends, is successful theming!

Another nice addition is the inclusion of treasures and journal entries that you can discover as you explore the mansion.  The journal entries will reveal the dark history of the Graves’ family and their spooky home.  The treasures are snarky references to iconic horror film characters from days gone by.  And after you find a few, and read their descriptions, you’ll be making additional trips into the mansion to find the rest.

The game play remains true, if somewhat evolved.  Like in the original, you’ll have to work your way through the mansion which is a maze of locked doors and stairways.  And like the original, you will find keys that help you gain access to areas previously impassible.  But in the modern interpretation, you’ll also need to seek out levers and various colored lanterns to gain admittance to certain areas of the house.  As stated before, the house is divided into four “floors” each subdivided into four areas and each area is completely self-contained, so you’ll never get stuck because you left a key or lantern behind in another area.  As you progress through the mansion, the areas become larger and more complex and you’ll to do more in order to move on to the next area.  And to make things even more fun, there is a great two-player version where you and a friend can work together to solve the riddle of Graves’ Mansion.  This makes some of the later levels a lot easier without taking away from the overall challenge.

FINAL LOOK

I’m honestly rather shocked and impressed at how well Haunted House (2010) compares to the original Haunted House.  Everything from the original is there in spirit if not in form.  The game does not try to reinvent the wheel, nor does it try to improve upon what already works and works well.  Instead Haunted House (2010) feels like an evolved descendant of Haunted House (1981).  Many elements of the modern game are fun homages to the original game: when your light goes out, all you can see are your eyes!  Nothing will ever capture the magic the way that the original Haunted House did, but this new game certainly knows what made the 1981 game so incredible. You can do a whole hell of a lot worse for $19.99, heck for $49.99, and I think that Haunted House (2010) is perfect for fans of the original as well as those exploring Graves’ Mansion for the very first time.  Accusations that the game is “kiddie” are completely unfounded and smack of basement dwelling rejection of anything that isn’t Grand Theft Auto.  This is a great game for anyone and everyone and comes highly recommended from your ol’ pal Stan.  I anticipate playing Haunted House (2010) many more times in the future, particularly around this time of year!

Girl on Girl Games: Metroid: Other M

...Or, Samus Aran is a whiny crybaby with daddy issues. Yes, that's right. Samus, the unapologetic female protagonist of the Metroid games has been downgraded from a bad-ass bounty hunter to a touchy-feely pacifist that lets a MAN tell her what to do. I'm not sure which side of the feminist argument this article puts me on, but politics aside, let's take a nice long look at why Samus' character was ruined the minute she opened her mouth.

The Metroid series has been historically low on story. You're a bounty hunter, exploring strange alien compounds/planets/spaceships. You fight aliens and unstoppable monsters, you get missiles and you turn into a ball that can drop bombs. At the end of the first game, you are revealed to be a woman. After twenty-three years of Metroid games, the people at Nintendo discovered that women have feelings.

Let me see. What kind of feelings do women have? Well, they like small, baby animals--hey, remember that baby Metroid that imprinted on Samus in Super Metroid and then saved her life? Why don't we have Samus, a hardened bounty hunter who kills things for a living, become absolutely obsessed with it?

If you think that's a terrible idea, you might want to hum through the cut scenes as you play Other M.

Ok, so maybe she doesn't become absolutely obsessed, but she does talk about it a great deal, in her new-found soft and feminine voice. The effect is somewhat creepy, leaving me to wonder if Samus' attachment to "the baby" (as she calls it) is really her trying to work out the classic career-versus-family puzzle that confounds so many a modern woman.

What other kinds of emotional baggage do women have? Another ten seconds of stereotyping later reveals that many have issues with their fathers. Since this iteration of Samus is an orphan, she struggles with daddy-issues that focus on her former commanding officer, Adam Malkovich. As the only woman in a male-centric military outfit, Samus recalls Adam singling her out by her gender at every staff meeting. Samus is shown in flashback as a willfully defiant malcontent who disagreed with Adam at every turn, eventually rebelling so far as to leave the military altogether. In retrospect, Samus says she appreciated that Adam referred to her as a "lady". What?

And finally, what would a woman be without...more women.

Women understand other women, correct? It's one of those things like where all us women go to the toilet together and like to shop, and say things like "oh my god, I have to have those shoes" or "Jim just doesn't understand why the toilet paper holder should match the faucet!" When one of us becomes hurt, especially by some man, we get together and watch romantic comedies in our PJ's while eating ice cream. Or something. The point is, women are supposed to have a lot of empathy going, especially for each other. Because we alone know how hard it is to be a woman. Samus, an independent bounty hunter without a mother, who joined the all-male military at a young age, is not immune to this. In fact, she completely understands the motives of the female NPCs without fail, empathizing with their plights.

I'm just going to lay it all on the line. I have no idea why this particular woman is a bounty hunter and not, say, a high school guidance counselor. I'm not at all saying there's something wrong with a character who is complicated and emotional. I'm certainly not saying it's wrong for a woman to have feelings like Samus'. But what I am saying is: why would a hardened, grizzled orphan, who was an excellent soldier but not a good follower, who travels alone as a one-woman robotic killing machine, ever, ever care this much about whether or not she fits in with the military group she initially abandoned?

More emoting after the break!

A Closer Look at Muscle March for WiiWare

A Closer Look at Muscle March for WiiWare

Some video games are all about strategy, be they puzzle games, turn based battle games, or what have you.  Some video games are about precision asking you to make the exact right moves at the exact right time or else.  Then there are games that all about action, full-on in your face, guns blazing, fire pits roaring action.  And then there are games about muscles.  You heard me.  Muscles.

Yeah, you heard me.  Wait until you see this...

So my friend Chris comes over to the house one night last month and amidst our various goings on about how hard it is to find Atari 2600 games in the wild anymore and which NES games are worth $5, the boy says to me “Have you seen that Muscle game for the WiiWare yet?”  Obviously I had not.  So we pull up the trailer for said game on the interweb and oh my dear lord.  One cannot describe what bombards the senses next, so I’ll not try.  Instead, I’ll allow you to judge for yourself.  Here, take a watch:




What the hell was that?  That my friends is the greatest game for the WiiWare yet.  Yes, delete Mega Man 10 and that new Blaster Master game and make room for Muscle March.  The game is insane.  Pure Japanese insanity in all of its glory.  If you thought Katamari Damacy was a head trip you ain’t seen nothing yet. Imagine Katamari, but with nothing held back.  Nothing.  I think that trailer is proof enough.

The premise, if you dare say the game has one, is centered around a group of extremely zealous body builders who are incensed because people keep stealing their protein powder.  The protein nabbing invariably results in a madcap chase wherein the body builders pursue the perpetrator through cities, jungle villages, space stations and even the heavens themselves!  The protein thief will stop at nothing to escape and this means crashing through anything standing in their way, walls, doors, subway cars, forests, asteroids, you name it.  If the body builders are to nab the protein bandit, they must follow suit, literally.  Each time the perp smashes through something they do so in a very specific pose.  The body builders must mimic this pose or be knocked out of the chase.  That’s it.  Run fast enough and pose correctly and you’ll eventually have an opportunity to tackle the vandal and retrieve your precious protein…or will you….

Honestly, the game is ridiculously simple.  Too simple to be as damn challenging as it is.  When you break it down, the game is essentially Simon Says with poses instead of colors.  There are only four poses to play with and all you have to do is copy the fleeing criminal’s pose as it goes through the wall.  It is just that easy, and yet, it’s not.

The game is dizzying.  From the stereotypical J-Pop music to the absurd environments the game does not allow you to concentrate for a single second.  The backgrounds are just plain crazy.  Nevermind the fact that your chase will have you defying gravity, running through all kinds of buildings, subway cars, jungles, mines, space ships, and so on, as you bust through these surroundings there are innumerable distractions screaming for your attention all over the place.  Most of these distractions are in the inexplicable form of cardboard cut-outs of people and animals that are hopping and gyrating about as if they were on popsicle sticks and being puppeteered by hyperglycemic eight-year olds.  Just don’t pay them any attention. In the immortal words of Happy Gilmore when the “earthquake” rocks the miniature golf course, “how the hell am I supposed to do that?”  It will take a strong mind, but it can be done.

And it isn’t just the backgrounds that will have your mind reeling.  The action gets to be intense.  The chase starts out brisk, but manageable.  As you get closer and closer to the protein bandit, the speed of the chase ramps considerably.  Considerably.  The farther you get in the game, the faster you are going to have to react and match poses or be eliminated.  There are times when instinct and luck will benefit you more than reflexes.  That said, the game gets tough, fast.  And if you get too good at the main game, you can always try your luck at the endless chase game variation where you just run as fast and as long as you can.  Of course, that also makes very good practice for the main game.

That is all there really is to it, but let’s call a spade a spade, you’re not going to buy this game (for a paltry 500 Wii Points) for its complexities and depth.  If you’re looking for Final Fantasy XIII, it ain’t here. No, you’re going to buy Muscle March for the head trip, plain and simple.  This is a zany game all about the laughs and absurdity and the “what the frok was that” factor.  The game play is nothing special, but the game is. Muscle March is funny AND fun.

We’ve been playing the game for some time now and I cannot seem to rescue the protein from the Muscle Mech character to save my life.  And yet I keep trying.  Look, I’m not a big downloadable content guy, I think you know that.  I enjoy the Mega Man games and the Virtual Console has finally allowed me to play Castlevania: Rondo of Blood, but all in all, I’m not over the moon about downloadable games the way most people are.  I would not tell you to make Muscle March your next video game purchase if I wasn’t absolutely certain that it would blow your mind.  I’ll not waste your time with more of my nonsense this month, just go play Muscle March and try to reconcile its madness with your rational, sequential brain.

I’ll see you back here next month when I’ll tell you how we got where we are today and why we are worse for it…

A Closer Look at Wii Fit and Wii Fit Plus

A Closer Look at Wii Fit and Wii Fit Plus for the Nintendo Wii
(go figure!)

“My name is Stan and I lost 35 lbs. on the Wii Fit plan, and you can too!”

Stan Before: A Giant Pant-Load

Stan After: Damn Handsome

Sounds too go too be true?  Well, bizarre as this is, it is true.  I did lose 35 lbs. thanks to Wii Fit (and some dietary amendments), and today I’m going to tell you how.

My wife ordered this thing so that it would arrive at our home or release day.  An exercise game?  I had about as much interest in this “game” as Benedict Arnold at a loyalty convention. How much fun can it be to have a video game tell you that you are fat and then “encourage” you to do something about it?  No thanks, I’ll pass.  But, it comes with this new peripheral, some kind of “balance board” that is going to open all kinds of new doors in the gaming world.  When I heard “balance board” I was thinking some kind of “Pogo Ball” contraption that was going to result in a lot of skinned knees and elbows and some broken furniture.  This “Wii Fit” thing was shaping up to be the biggest waste of money since Zima.  Great.

The day it came, I was at work (of course), but my wife was at home anxiously awaiting the arrival of this beast.  Before I could get there, she was calling me, trying to describe just how awesome it was and how she had already worn herself out doing all of the activities and playing all the games.  Despite her enthusiasm, I was still envisioning something more along the lines of Richard Simmons, a medicine ball and a sheet of plywood in my living room.  And yet, I went home that afternoon anyway…

Fortunately, the people at Nintendo are smarter than I am, and they had this whole thing figured out way ahead of time.  I should have trusted them, after all I was skeptical of the Wii Remote before it hit, back when they were calling it a “wand,” and that turned out to be one of the most innovative controllers since the D-Pad.   But I digress.  Allow me to start by saying the “Balance Board” was far slicker than my imagination ever gave it credit for.  The thing is sleek, and nothing like the see-saw that the words “balance board” evokes.  Basically it is like a super-smart step aerobics platform.  Just by standing on it, it can tell the Wii Fit game all kinds of personal information about you including where you put the majority of your weight when you stand, and even if you flap your arms or wiggle your bum.  Just seeing the quality of this peripheral filled me with a bit more confidence and emboldened me to give Wii Fit a bit of a chance.

Excitedly, my wife encouraged me to set up my profile and get started.  The game asks some personal information and compiles the data into a profile for you that includes, most importantly, your Body Mass Index (BMI).  It is this number that will be your barometer for success during your Wii Fit journey.  Next you’ll have to weigh in.  This step is not for the faint of heart and you are probably going to be shocked at the result, but hang in there, things will get better!  In the interest of full disclosure, I weighed in around 235lbs. my first time.  The game then proceeded to tell me I was “obese.”  While the game is encouraging, it is also brutally honest.  Be ready.
 
The good news is, after the game is done telling you that you are a giant pantload, it helps you create a plan to rectify that condition. Step one in this process is setting a fitness goal to work toward; this goal is based on your BMI.  Using your original BMI as a launch point, the game will tell you your “ideal” BMI and then ask you to set a goal working toward that number. (I say “ideal” because one of the game’s only flaws is to undervalue things like muscle mass and body type, thus your ideal may be unrealistic) After setting your goal (chose conservatively, as chances are good getting started is going to be tough), you are ready to move on to the real meat of the game: the workout.

Wii Fit’s real strength is the variety of workouts and depth of customization available to you.  There are four categories to choose from: Yoga, Strength Training, Aerobics, and Balance Games.  Each category provides a number of activities to participate in and different, increasing levels of difficulty therein. The Yoga section provides a pretty standard compliment of yoga poses and stretches that provide an exceptional warm-up routine and a great way to let go of some stress.  The Strength Training selections will really give your entire body a workout.  It is here that you are going to find out just how out of shape you are.  There are a number of different exercises that work your entire body.  In the Aerobics section you will find a handful of sweat-inducing activities that will push you to burn those calories you picked up from that box of Klondike bars.  While some are repetitive, like running in place or step-aerobics, others are a bit more engaging like the Boxing and Hula Hoop programs.  Finally, the area that will likely get the most play, Balance Games provides a slew of different games that will test your ability to utilize your center of gravity.  This is probably the most “fun” section of the four, but the games do work to your advantage.  A well-balanced work-out includes a mix of activities from all of these categories, but you are free to do as much or as little as you like.  The more you do an activity and the better you get at it, you will unlock more advanced versions that push you even further.  This helps keep the game challenging and fresh for a while…
My personal favorite is the Yoga section.  Up to this point I had always viewed yoga as kind of goofy, but after doing some via Wii Fit, I have been converted.  The stretches are diverse and there is no pretension when you are bending your butt over your head in the comfort of your own living room.  I also like the Balance Games when I need a break or for a light, relaxing jaunt after a hard day at work.  The Aerobics are hit and miss, but the Boxing and Basic Run activities are what I go for when I need to work up a sweat.  My least favorite is definitely the Strength Training, but this may be mostly due to the fact that I have a physically demanding job that gives me a pretty good strength workout already.  This is not to say that the exercises are bad, they simply do not appeal to me as much as they may others.

Me-ow!

Part of your workout experience is getting to select the trainer you work with.  This trainer is designed to introduce you to each activity, monitor your progress, and encourage you to do better.  You may select from either a male or female trainer.  This feature is extremely helpful in making sure you are doing the activities properly and getting the most benefit from each (you’ll not need them in the Aerobics or Balance Game sections).  Plus, I think I developed a crush on my female trainer, but no amount of pleading or coercion could get her out of her warm-up suit, so I think my love will go unrequited.

At the end of each workout, your little balance board buddy (another helpful in-game pal) will record your workout time both for the day and overall.  You may also track your stats more specifically through your profile where you can see how much time you spend on each kind of activity as well as how you are progressing toward your overall goal.  There is even a section where you can record activities you do outside of Wii Fit, although they will not count to your time in the game.  Ultimately, Wii Fit wants to be your workout guide directing you toward a fitter you.

And such a thing is possible, but only if you keep it up.  Wii Fit isn’t a game you play once in a while, or take off the shelf and play intensely for a week or two, then put away for a few months.  Wii Fit is a commitment.  Make no mistake.  If you are not in this to lose some weight and workout on a consistent basis, then maybe you should stick to HALO online and Cheetos.  But for those looking for a change for the better, it can be accomplished with help from this game.  The key is consistency.  The game will even tell you that you will get the best results by spending at least 30 minutes each day doing something, anything, in the game.  At the very least, you are encouraged to do what is called a daily “Body Test.”  This test is a simple 5 minute process that basically amounts to weighing in and playing a few simple balance games.  It will enable the game to monitor your progress and give you a Wii Fit age based on how well you perform the balance games.  The age is entirely arbitrary, but the real value is the weigh-in as it will tell you if the work you are doing is paying off.  Your Body Test results are recorded on your calendar and charted on a graph to help you keep track of your efforts. To make keeping up with your Body Test even easier, the good people at Nintendo offer a Wii Fit Channel free of charge that allows you access to the Body Test without even needing the game disc.  Nintendo is doing everything they can to get that large pizza off your hips, the rest is up to you!

Recently, the good people at Nintendo realized what I did about a year ago: after a while, Wii Fit can get a little stale.  Oh, sure, there are lots of activities and things to unlock, and you can probably always stand to lose a little more weight, but it would be nice to inject some fresh life into your routine, especially after doing the Expert Boxing activity 30 days in a row.  As if sensing that my resolve was faltering, and it was, Nintendo announced the upcoming release of Wii Fit Plus, an all-new expansion to my existing Wii Fit that would include a bevy of new exercises and an even greater level of customization!  Could it be?
It could, and more!  Wii Fit Plus arrived about a month ago and breathed new life into my flagging interest in the original base game.  Wii Fit Plus features a host of new activities scattered across the four categories (but accessible via the “Training Plus” menu) as well as a new feature that enables you to create your own specific workout routines.  I’ll get to the cool new activities in a second, but first let me extol the virtues of this new “My Wii Fit Plus” feature, following the jump.